We're Talking Slo-pitch

This past August long weekend I was up in the Edson Slo-pitch tournament. Its tuesday, I'm still very sore. This campout / ball tournament could possibly rank as one of the all time greatest weekends, it was that much fun.

First a recap on actual slo-pitch matters, which was really a minor part of the weekend:

Our first game is friday at 5pm in Edson. The whole team we have assembled is coming from all over, Calgary, BC, Edmonton, Whitecourt, Edson, you name it. This would explain why we had our whole team assembled slighly after the game started. Stangely the last person to get there was the one from Edson, go figure...

We entered ourselves as a middle good team, not the best, but not the worst. Our first sign we may have entered a little too high was the fact the other team we were playing was all in uniform, matching even down to the band aids they were wearing. Really, matching band aids? Yikes! We didnt even all have baseball gloves...

Needless to say, we got destroyed.

After the game we make our jerseys. Think white shirts and black marker. A list of the names I can remember starting with me: Chewbacca, Tony Danza (also known as Sober Guy), Jesus, Shmoopy, I do it in the bush, I love trees, Lush, Woodstock, Jiggles, Stallion, and Angel.

Next game, saturday morning at 9:30am. After a few beers and some vodka we head to the game. This team also has matching uniforms. Not a good sign. We score seven runs in the first inning to go up 7-0. Booyah! The team is pumped and super excited. However, we promptly lose 21-7.

Next game is at 6:30. This left a fairly large gap in our playing time. Our team may have gotten a little drunk... Surprinsingly we got destroyed again. I really thought we had them. This team was a bunch of assholes though, but sadly we could do nothing about it. Except one guy on our team would yell the classy comment of "Get that slut out!" Normally we cheer the other team on as we play, this team didnt get any.

Next game is 2 in the afternoon the next day. Our moral is super high, we believe we can win, as we believe every game. The other team doesnt even have uniforms and one guy has a giant afro wig. This must be a good sign. We get beat, but it was definitely our funnest game. We even stay with the team afterwards to hit balls and shoot the shit. All in all this is the end of us playing slo-pitch. Really, no one is too sad.

I dont even know where to start for the drunken shenanigans we got into this weekend. Perhaps I will just throw out tidbits.

On friday after our first game, its maybe 6:30ish. A guy cheering falls out of the box of a stopped truck onto his back on the gravel. He gets up and we see he already has the cul-de-sace head shave going on, well done. This is a sign that we are probably behind schedule when it comes to drinking.

Our camp is conveniently located in a field. The roads in the field to campsites are rutted right up, and cars are getting stuck everywhere. We along with other random people decide to take matters into our own hands and push some people out. Trucks are even getting stuck. One girl is driving a neon. We tell her she can make it if she hits it. She gets hung up bad. Tried to push her forward, so hard we could hear cracking. We push her back. She looks confused and almost scared. Thus we assure her, that this time For Sure she can make it. Repeat these events about three more times. At this point we tell her to back up to the road and will carry her stuff to camp. She backs up, everyone leaves... To our credit we got every other vehicle through, even a PT Cruiser, but god just said no to her.

Speaking of god, at one point a mysterious wind tornado hit our neighbors. Their shit was flying up in the air and all over the place. Their tarp went higher than a power line. Nobody else was affected by this windstorm. Very strange. The tarp and tents werent so much a concern for them as getting a flying bag of weed...

At one point I flew out of the box of a truck while rallying. I tumbled pretty hard. I was in a little pain for a bit. Then I had a drink of beer, cause I didnt spill a damn thing! Booyah!

Tony Danza lost his shirt for a while. We made him a new one, or more so just drew on his body for a new uniform, thus Sober Guy, number 0.24 joined our team.

We were playing this game where you have a beer can on a pole and have to knock if off with a frisbee. Games were delayed because of a giant tractor driving around.

We got rides in the giant tractor.

The guy driving the tractor picked up.

One guy got a truck stuck, another guy t-boned it.

I accidently slammed a beer can into a girl's face. She let me know I did this with a mighty punch. I really dont think I did anything and had me confused with something or someone else.

Sliding across the floor, hills, mud, grass was the cool thing to do.

Our pitcher injured his hand doing this. We didnt replace him...

One guy ripped his shirt off, not because he was mighty, but because he could not get it off otherwise.

We peed on a fence that faced the highway.

There was a time when I was taking a leak at the fence, and I look over and see a neighbor girl puking. It was probably only early in the afternoon. I waved. She puked.

My watch was permantly on "Go Time" My watch was also drawn on my wrist with a marker. This joke never got old the whole weekend.

Four of us went to a laundromat to shower. They only had one shower set up and you had 20 minutes each. We had some time to kill, so we did laundry at the same time. Surprisingly this did not get us kicked out and the owner didnt seem to be too disturbed with it. Even when we danced in the window...

3 of us almost got arrested for high fiving... I guess they had a point that high fiving people in vehicles in traffic may not be the safest thing to do.

People were launching fireworks. There was a lumber yard across the street...

Someone had a slip and slide set up. It was only in operation after the beer gardens closed down. I'm not sure when this was, but my watch said go time.

Our theme, which we were singing to the Simpsons Stone Cutter song "Who is team that drinks your beer? Emuuuu! Emuuuuu! Drink with us and then you'll cheer! Emuuuu! Emuuuuu!" Mostly it was just "dndnndndnddn EMUUUU!! EMUUUUU!"

We had most of the campers cheering our team name at one point or another.

Our one neighbor had a truck with a camper on it. One night he stole a giant rake, that could have been a good 10 feet tall. He raked our site and touted it as the greatest souvenir ever. He somehow stored it in his camper. The next morning he was wondering what the hell it was doing there...

I wish I would have brought a pillow.

When we left we discovered our tents were set up on giant ruts. Some were a foot deep...

Getting head butted in the gut when super wasted is not a good idea, no matter how tough you think you are. Even if there are only 364 more days until next year's slo-pitch tournament.

We thought we brought enough booze for the entire weekend. We hit the liquor store once. We thought we had enough booze for the weekend. We had another close to $300 worth delivered out, this would surely do it. We only hit the liquor store one more time after that.

A certain whiskey and beer became the drink of choice. Patent pending.

On friday night I was drinking vodka, and my mix was peach schnapps.

By the last night my drink had evolved into beer, certain whiskey and vodka. This does not need a patent.

Dancing on the tables in the beer gardens was standard. Falling off was optional. Dancing on tables people were sitting at seemed ok. Kicking their beers off one by one didnt get us in a fight.

A group of guys we were partying with were getting their wangs signed. This apparently was also a good pick up technique.

Someone beat us to the streaking plan.

One night we got back from the beer gardens and were trying to light a fire with logs. Wasnt really panning out. All of the sudden we see sparks flying through the darkness. Our neighbor a ways down "I've got some fire for ya" as he brings a giant bright smoldering log. "This wont do" and he runs back and gets more. He was probably at least 50 meteres away.

One guy didnt want to pay for tenting. He was just going to use the recite from one of our other tents. Lady comes around, he already has it in his pocket. Tent lady, had already heard of us somehow... There is the ole "I must have lost my tent tag exchange" She follows him to his tent. He literally just goes in, rolls around for 5 minutes and then yells "got it!" This works...

best quotes
A guy on our team "Wow your girls can really hit the ball"
One of the girls on their team "That's cause we are full of our boyfriend's cum"

"Did you see that guy's pellet gun wound"
Shake head no...
"Ya, I poked it with the fire stick. He wasnt too impressed"

"Are you washing your balls?"
"Ya"
"Why are you taking so long.."
"Its on gentle cycle"

"Jiggle it in there!"

"What time is it?"

"We better get back there before he deflowers her"

"She's not that kinda girl..."

Fittingly we finish off our weekend having a breakfast buffet in a pub. French toast, hash browns and lasagna...

Till next year.

EMUUU!